99 Excuses For Gopher Athletics

Boy it’s rough out there. It’s bad enough that Sidney Rice waited to get surgery on his hip about two weeks before the Vikings season started. The Timberwolves have more small forwards on their team than the entire NBA Hall of Fame. And then there’s the Mild, sorry Wild, who start their season soon featuring more of the same collection of old veterans who scored maybe 20 goals a handful of times several years ago and more youthful players who are injury prone.

Thank God for Gopher sports. At least we know what to expect. With Gopher football starting Thursday, I’ve compiled a handy list of excuses for our major programs- football, basketball and hockey.

Some of these excuses you will hear, some of these you could hear, some of these pertain to why the team is underachieving, some of these pertain to why attendance is down, some of these you’d hear if the coaches thought they’d get away with it and some are excuses I think are actually valid. I’ll let you decipher which is which. I’ve also put the initials of coaches Tim Brewster, Tubby Smith and Don Lucia for reference.

1. Many of our fans want to focus their attention on the Vikings. (TB)
2. Our fans don’t like 11 am games. (TB)
3. Our games always go against top ACC matchups on TV. (TB, TS)
4. These things take time. (TB, TS, DL)
5. We’re in this for the long run. (TB, TS, DL)
6. Maturi has spent too much time in Chicago talking expansion to pay attention to the program. (TB)
7. Bruinicks won’t get rid of Maturi. (TB, TS, DL)
8. Fans were disappointed Seantrell didn’t come here. (TB, TS?)
9. Our uniforms are ugly. (TB, TS)
10. They won’t sell alcohol at the stadium. (TB)
11. They won’t sell alcohol in the suites. (TB, TS, DL)
12. They can’t sell alcohol at Stub&Herbs. (TB, TS, DL)
13. THE BAND CAN’T MARCH DOWN UNIVERSITY AVE. (TB)
14. Our fans still haven’t caught on that there’s a master plan. (TB, TS)
15. We can’t play San Antonio St. every week. (TS)
16. We need a separate practice facility. (TS)
17. Devoe wasn’t a better brother growing up. (TS)
18. Big 10 Network tape delayed us for a Michigan St. infomercial. (TS)
19. They’re adding Nebraska! (TB)
20. They’re adding Nebraska-Omaha! (DL)
21. Don’t worry; we’ll get an at-large bid. (TS)
22. Don’t worry we got the home ice advantage at Xcel. (DL)
23. We miss Eric Decker. (TB)
24. J Robinson hogs all the glory. (DL)
25. It’d be easier if it weren’t for Title IX. (TB, TS, DL)
26. What do you want me to do? Ban Twitter? (TS)
27. The defense can’t wrangle up all the alibi’s (TB, TS)
28. The defense can’t wrangle up anyone’s power play. (DL)
29. Fans are too excited for Spring Training right around the corner. (DL)
30. Sid Hartman supports me. (TB)
31. Pat Reusse’s mean. (DL)
32. They fired Frank Mazacco. (DL)
33. NHL GM’s take my players before they’re ready. (DL)
34. Not enough team players. (TS, DL)
35. Interest always drops after Winter break. (DL, TS)
36. U2 Postponed. (TB)
37. Goldy doesn’t do enough gimmicks. (TS, DL)
38. Marquis isn’t getting in enough plays. (TB)
39. These professors won’t “play the game.” (TB, TS)
40. These boosters won’t “play the game.” (TB, TS)
41. Two 19-year old’s were drunk near the library so now all my players are banned from Dinkeytown. (TB, TS, DL)
42. Timberwolves tickets are too cheap. (TS)
43. Jack Brewer isn’t hyping us enough on Paul Allen’s show. (TB)
44. It’s the “State of Hockey.” (TS)
45. The “State of Hockey” is an NHL thing. We’re “Minnesota’s Pride on Ice.” (DL)
46. Minneapolis isn’t a college town. (TB, TS)
47. Construction on 280 never ends! (TB, TS, DL)
48. Ralph Sampson is awkward. (TS)
49. Brock Lesnar main-evented UFC last night. Our fans are hung-over, (TS, DL)
50. It’s gorgeous out all week, and then when recruits come into town it snows. (TB, TS)
51. We're losing our pipeline with Dallas. (TB)
52. We're losing our pipeline with Edina. (DL)
53. The fans aren’t fair to Weber. (TB)
54. Hoffarber didn’t win an ESPY last year. (TS)
55. It’d be better but Royce White wanted to pursue his rap career…in Ames. (TS)
56. It’s taking time for our fans to adjust to outdoor football. (TB)
57. Not enough fighting. (DL)
58. Monday Night Football started again. (TB)
59. St. Thomas is nationally ranked. (TB, TS)
60. Big Ten Network cares more about our dance team. (TB)
61. Those Internet bloggers are just jealous. (TB, TS, DL)
62. Fans are already preparing for the NFL Draft. (TB)
63. Lou Nanne missed his weekly interview on Barriero. (DL)
64. Some of the so-called talent around here needs to step up. (TS, DL)
65. Security keeps kicking out drunken students. (TB)
66. Doug Woog keeps showing up, confused. (DL)
67. Too much complaining in the locker room. (TB, TS, DL)
68. Not enough pyro. (TB, TS, DL)
69. Dan Monson is still on the payroll. (TS)
70. Glen Mason is still on the payroll. (TB)
71. Anthony Lapanta is still on the payroll. (DL)
72. Tom Barnard didn’t talk about us last week. (TB, TS, DL)
73. Not enough support from FSN North. (TS, DL)
74. Aaron Ness is still getting stronger. (DL)
75. Fans want me to hire Trent Tucker. (TS)
76. Homecoming is right around the corner and that brings out the best in us. (TB)
77. March is right around the corner and that brings out the best in us. (TS, DL)
78. Wait until the expansion money comes in. (TB, TS)
79. We lost money because of expansion. (DL)
80. Mike Guentzel had it in for me. (DL)
81. High School football is heating up. (TB)
82. Minnesota Roller Girls is heating up. (TB, TS, DL)
83. It’s tough learning a new offensive system. (TB)
84. There are too many Badger fans in town. (TB, TS, DL)
85. There are too many NDSU fans in town. (TB, TS)
86. Nobody stopped by our booth at the State Fair unless we gave away free tote bags. (TB, TS, DL)
87. Hennepin County probation isn’t doing us any favors. (TB)
88. Gus Johnson doesn’t announce enough of our games. (TS)
89. Joe Mauer won’t appear on the jumbotron. (TB)
90. Prince won’t remix our rouser. (TB, TS, DL)
91. Jacque Lemaire never gave me any tips. (DL)
92. There’s not enough ample parking on campus. (TB, TS, DL)
93. Not enough of our players are “students of the game.” (TB, TS, DL)
94. Don’t look at me- I found Maturi, Maturi didn’t find me. (TS)
95. The school spent less money on our program than any other school in the conference. (TB)
96. I won two national titles, quit bothering me. (DL)
97. We’re still recovering from Lou Holtz’s departure. (TB)
98. The Star-Tribune forgot to print our season schedule. (TB)
99. What does it matter? The school cares more about Cultural Diversity Awareness and Acceptance Week than our program. (TB, TS, DL)

The Difference Between the White Sox and Twins.

The difference between the White Sox and the Twins? Chicago will let good-guy and future Hall of Famer Jim Thome go to free agency because management felt the team was too reliant on power. Only to go around and acquire basket case and future Hall of Famer Manny Ramirez. So would you rather have Manny Ramirez for one month and $3.825 million or Jim Thome for a whole season and $1.5 million plus incentives?

Twins-Tigers Brawl '82

My favorite part might be that the sportscaster is none other than Wolves play-by-play man Tom Hanneman

Summer Concerts Rekindle Love Affair

It was an especially whirlwind summer of concerts for me. At the beginning of the Summer I had my sights set on a trio of shows (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, U2 and a fairly decent Lollapalooza lineup in Chicago.) that had me at an excitement level of Defcon 5. Things happen though, U2 singer Bono hurt his back and their show at The No Fun Zone TCF Bank Stadium was postponed until next year while things fell through with the Lolla trip. I guess someday I’ll see Lady Gaga.

So I immediately beefed up my summer schedule and got tickets to see Jack Johnson, The Gaslight Anthem and Chromeo. I know your thinking that the latter two artists can’t really compare to a U2 but I’ll get to them in a minute. I was quite content with my purchases.

I already wrote about the Petty show in June. It should be reiterated that of all the performances and games I’ve been to at Xcel, I’ve never heard an ovation as loud as he received after his performance. That’s high praise. Petty has such a great catalog of past hits to choose from and he let his crowd wanting more. Similar artists should take note.

Jack Johnson certainly is in the prime of his career. And what especially works for him is that his melodies, singing style and audience he plays to all but guarantees he’ll be out their touring in 20 years. Whether that show is at a big amphitheater or the zoo, I don’t know. Johnson’s new release “To the Sea” is as fine a collection of songs as he’s had and was more than well received the night of the show in Somerset, WI.

What was really great were opening acts ALO and G. Love (Two personal favs of mine. Hoard their music) got the crowd real warmed up and did fantastic jobs joining Jack during his performance. Add in local artist/friend of Jack, Mason Jennings to perform and it was a great treat for everyone in attendance. Part of the mystique was added since it was a full moon out that night and Jack the noted tree hugger ate up every second of it. You got to love the Frisbee contest that Jack and his band mates had in the middle of the show. While being very secure with his stardom, a steady stream of hits and the aforementioned appearances by his friends/label mates, Jack Johnson’s career is at its both creative and popular apex.

The Gaslight Anthem is a group of old souls playing great Rock‘n’Roll music. From Brunswick, NJ the band takes definite cues from Bruce Springsteen and has become one of rock’s current bands that are surrounded by a lot of buzz. Both Spin Magazine and Rolling Stone have written pieces about them recently that were very favorable. The thing is they really are that good. Lyrically lead singer Brian Fallon paints imagery of previous loves, blue-collar sentiments and good time partying. Songs like “Great Expectations”, “Bring It On”, “Old Haunts”, “The Spirit of Jazz” and “Old White Lincoln” would fit in with some of Bruce’s finest work. Hell Bruce even performed “The ’59 Sound” with the band last year. Talk about a seal of approval.

Performing for a very large crowd at First Ave. The Anthem played for nearly two hours finishing a loaded set just shy of midnight (on a Monday, mind you.) The band completely nailed a rendition of The Who’s “Baba O’Riley” just because some fan in the front row was wearing a Who shirt.

Time will tell what’s in the cards for these guys. Could I see them headlining arena shows and festivals? For sure, but that’s only if they want to. Some bands are just happy being a critical darling and having a cult following. Maybe they aren’t comfortable with what may come their way, maybe their bass player has a bad substance abuse problem. I don’t know. It should be awfully fun finding out.

And then there’s Chromeo. Just a couple of buddies from Montreal making the ickiest, funk out there. Rick James would spin in his grave if he had the chance to listen to this combo. Not because of it being offensively bad, he’d be spinning in enjoyment. Chromeo’s new album “Business Casual” drops next month and all new material played last Saturday was well received. All songs played from their breakout (‘07s Fancy Footwork) got the audience all sorts of hot and bothered. The crowd was also a hall-of-fame worthy cast of Hipsters, very attractive young women and doofyus 20-somethings like me. It also doesn’t hurt that the duo are very charming, sly and witty. They know their music is kind of gimmicky, but the shit-eating grin on lead singer Dave-1 face tells me they’re enjoying the ride. Bonus points for seeing Chromeo’s resident talk-box master P-Thugg carrying his own luggage from the tour bus to First Ave. My friend Pete and I had to stop in the middle of the street and give him a shout out. He was shy or annoyed. One of the two.

Four great shows that reaffirmed my love affair of music. An eclectic mix too. An old dog that revels is nostalgia, and bonafied headliner in his prime, a hungry rock group on the verge of stardom and two Canadian guys who idolize Prince. Not a bad way to spend your summer. Now if only I can get some Gaga tickets…

Anti-Mustache Hall of Fame

This subject is near and dear to my heart. And this is a great list of men who have gone out of their way to embarrass me.

Robert Byrd Sends a Strong Message

RIP Former Senator/Noted Clansman Robert Byrd. Something tells me he thinks he's in the middle of some epic speech during a movie like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."

Reading Between the Lines in the Big 10 Conference

Monday was the Big 10 Conference’s media day for football. Commissioner Jim Delaney addressed a lot of hot topics. I’ve stolen a handy list of quotes, and I’ll just do you the pleasure of deciphering his big talk jargon. Let’s go reading between the lines!

• Delany said he anticipates the first Big Ten championship game being played at the end of the 2011 regular season. He still isn't sure where the game will be played, and even said the league might sign a one-year contract with a venue this fall and then visit multiple sites next spring to find a permanent home. (Delaney means that they’ll play at Ford Field in Detroit next year out of pity for the city, give a couple charity visits to Green Bay, Cleveland, and Chicago, before deciding it will be played in Indianapolis’ retractable roof facility every year.)

• Delany said the league's 12 teams would be split into two six-team divisions within the next 30 to 45 days. The divisions would go in effect in 2011, when the Cornhuskers join the league. He said league officials were examining several criteria as to how to divide the teams, from geography to on-field success to making sure long-standing rivalries are kept in place. (Delaney means he’ll spend the next month or so trying to figure out how to split up Indiana, Minnesota and Northwestern plausibly while also figuring out how to not screw Penn State’s traveling budget.)

• Delany said the Big Ten might play a nine-game league schedule, maybe as early as 2012 or at least within four years. He said adding an additional conference game would improve its teams' schedule strength and would make its games more attractive to TV networks. (Delaney means any advantage he can get against the Pac-10’s expansion he’s going to take it.)

• Delany said the Big Ten would remain the Big Ten, even if the league decides to add more teams in the future. "The Big Ten is the Big Ten regardless of the number," Delany said. (Delaney means his hands are tied because there’s already a Big 12, he hasn’t added more teams so Big 14 doesn’t make sense and let’s be honest there’s only ten or so “Big” programs in the conference.)

• Delany said the league wasn't currently exploring future expansion, and probably wouldn't address the issue again until its university presidents meet in December. The Big Ten could stop at 12 teams or explore the possibility of adding two or four more teams. Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who has long been a proponent of Big Ten expansion, said he hoped the league would add schools from the East Coast if it decides to further expand. (Delaney means Missouri screwed up, Rutgers is in New Jersey, Texas stopped returning phone calls, Iowa State isn’t the big time and Pitt doesn’t quite mesh.)

• If the Big Ten adds more schools, Delany doesn't believe Notre Dame will be one of them. Notre Dame athletics director Jack Swarbrick has consistently said his school prefers to keep its independence in football. "I think Jack Swarbrick has been consistent from the beginning," Delany said. "I see Notre Dame playing in the Big East [in basketball and other sports] for many years to come and I see Notre Dame playing as an independent [in football] for many years to come." (Delaney means Jack Swarbrick and his boosters are delirious. Besides, the conference doesn’t need a fading powerhouse with looney fans. That’s what the Michigan Wolverines are for.)

I implore you to share your thoughts below.

Google Search Tricks

Borderline life changing. A couple of these I already knew about, but very very cool nonetheless.